As we work through our trauma and our hurts from the past, one of the ultimate paths to healing that must occur is forgiveness. This is a tough pill for many to swallow. We tend to get stuck on the pride aspect of not owing anything to that person or situation that caused us harm. We get stuck thinking we can’t forgive unless they are sorry, or they come and ask us for forgiveness, or perhaps we feel they must first earn the forgiveness. We get misconceptions in our head that forgiving someone means we have to open our lives back up to them and let them back in – to potentially harm us again. These are all an actually false sense of what forgiveness really is. Forgiveness is more about you. It is an internal decision to let go of the anger and resentment so that you can have that space free to refill with love, joy, and peace. As long as you are holding onto those feelings of pain and hurt, there isn’t enough room for other more favorable emotions to take up residence.
Forgiveness is about you and what thoughts and feelings you want to allow real estate in your mind and body. When we think of it that way, most of us are more than ready to evict that past hurt. Maybe for some, it isn’t so much that we aren’t willing to forgive; it simply is we aren’t sure how to go about it.
One way to start the path to forgiveness is by trying to gain perspective on what may have led that person to hurt us in the first place. Often when we try to look at the world through their eyes, taking in what must have led them to act in such a way, we find that they are a product of their environment. This may mean they were the victim of abuse or somehow harmed themselves. Or maybe they were raised in a home lacking in love and compassion. Perhaps strong negative worldviews were engrained into them from a very young age. Whatever it may have been, we can often find the root of their behaviors started well before they ever met or encountered us. We tend to internalize and personalize the bad things that happen to us, but one thing to note is that not everything is solely about us. Not everything is our fault. Not everything is in our control. Not all bad things happen because we deserved it, weren’t good enough, or weren’t smart enough to see it coming. Sometimes the person doing the hurting doesn’t even really understand what they are doing or why. If you can acknowledge that hurt begets hurt, it helps you start to see the pain they caused was likely a result of their internal struggles and pain.
Next, it is essential to not only acknowledge all the pain and hurt that occurred but also to consider what positive came as a result of this situation. At first, this may seem like too big of an ask. It may even cause you physical discomfort. Take a moment to acknowledge the negative consequences, the harm done, and the future that was changed and stolen from you because of them. Recognize that all these feelings are valid, and you have a right to be angry. But then don’t get stunted at that moment. Feel it, feel it deeply, and then let that feeling pass. Then, consider how your life is different now and what parts are positive. What good things would not have happened if you had never had that negative experience? How did it help you become who you are now? How have you grown since then? Were there any rippling effects that led to positive outcomes for others in your life because of who you became? There is a silver lining to every bad and even terrible situation. And despite what you probably think, acknowledging it is okay.
Lastly, there is something so powerful about releasing feelings through completing a symbolic ritual. There is something so profound about taking these thoughts and feelings in your head, and externalizing them through physical actions that you can see, feel, hear, and smell. There are many ways you can do this. Some like to write a letter to the person that hurt them. Once the letter is complete- they burn that sucker as they visualize their pain drifting away with the smoke and ashes of the paper. Others gather items that remind them of that pain and hurt and remove them from their environment. Whether this is by packing them away in a box, throwing them in the garbage can, or even burying them in the backyard. This can symbolize letting go of the hurt and closing that chapter of your life while making room for what will come next. If you are the more creative type, you could compose a song, write a poem, or even choreograph an interpretive dance to express the pain and healing. Whatever the case, find what physical activity you can do to demonstrate letting go of the resentment and being free from the past– then do it!
Now you are free to refill your cup with that which you chose to fill it. And if those negative memories start to emerge again, just think back to that ritual where you took control of it and moved past it – and then remember it is done. You can move forward, no longer being driven and controlled by the resentment you held onto for so long.
Remember the quote: “I am not what happened to me; I am who I choose to become.” – Carl Jung
So tell me a little about what ritual you think will work best or has worked for you in the past when letting go and moving forward- and who it is you are now choosing to become. I look forward to hearing your thoughts!
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